she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
