Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
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