remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
last night I used snow as a chaser
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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