I just pynch a tree in the face
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
