The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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