Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
