My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
