There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
