I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
