worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Sober January is a disaster.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
