seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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