do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
