Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
