he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize