she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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