sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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