Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
