All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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