the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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