True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
