matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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