That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
