just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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