Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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