Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
