Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
is wine microwaveable?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
