The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
