I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
