Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
