I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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