i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
