the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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