I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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