So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
