There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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