Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
