Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
