I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
