Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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