My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
