When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
