Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
