Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
