true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
