I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
