On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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