Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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