when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
