I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
