I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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