I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
