Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
