I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize