I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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