So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
