When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
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