Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
