Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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