Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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