Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
