When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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