Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
