he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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