A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
